Night Before Christmas...........

Truly a Maxine version!!!

Maxine's Version of a Twas the Night Before
Christmas


'Twas the night before Christmas'
 And all through the house...
 Not a creature was stirring
 Since the cat ate the mouse.

 My support hose were hung
By the chimney with care.
(I hung them last Christmas
 And just left them there.)

 My dog, Floyd, was nestled
 All snug in his bed,
 After watching the cat rip
 The presents to shreds.

 And I in my long johns
 And ratty night cap
 Had just settled my butt
 For a long winter's nap.

 When out on the lawn
 There arose such a clatter,
 I swore at the window,
 "What the (blank) is the matter?"

 I tore open the window,
 Not a second to tarry,
 All ready to throw
 The noisemaker a berry.

 A bright moon was lighting
 The new-fallen snow...
 And I had a moon of my own
 Set to show.

 Floyd was beside me,
 Paw pointing the way
Toward eight tiny reindeer
 Hitched up to a sleigh...

 And a little old driver
 So cheery and quick,
 I thought for a moment
 That I would be sick.

 Like a bat out of...you know,
 His reindeer they came,
 And I whistled and shouted
 And called them some names--

"Hey, Hornhead! Hey, Furface!
 Hey, Weiner and Turkey!
 Yo, Klutzy and Mangy
 And Venison Jerky!

 Stay off of my porch!
 Get away from my wall!
 Now hit the road, hit the road,
 Hit the road, all!

 But as pedestrians before
 My old Buick , they fly
 And head for high ground
 With great fear in their eyes,

 So up to my rooftop
 The fleabags they flew,
 With a sleigh full of toys
 And old Fruitcake - Breath too.

 And then, in a twinkling,
 I heard on the roof
 Holes in my new shingles
 Made by each tiny hoof.

 As I reached for my slingshot
 And a marble as well,
 Down the chimney
 St. Nicholas Tumbled and fell.

 He had a huge sack of
 Cheap junk on his back
 And I whispered to Floyd,
 "Be prepared to attack."

 His eyes they were squinting,
 His toy bag was draggin',
 And I felt for a moment
 Like I'd soon be gaggin'.

 He was dressed all in red.
 With a bell on his hat.
 And a belt of black leather
 To hold back the fat.

 A billowing pipe
 He clenched tight in his smile,
 And the smell was like something
 Had been dead for awhile.

 He had a broad face
 And a little round belly
 That shook when I nailed him
 With a handful of jelly.

 He was chubby and plump,
 Well, actually porky,
 And I laughed when I tripped him
 (He looked pretty dorky).

 He was like a beached whale
 Unable to budge.
 And he tasted good , too,
 If the dog was a judge.

 I spoke not a word
 But went straight to my work--
 A noogie, a wedgie,
 A cry of "You jerk!"

 Until laying a finger
 Aside of his nose,
 With a loud cry of "Uncle!"
 Up the chimney he rose.

 He sprang to the sleigh
 And dragged in the toys,
 Then he cried to the reindeer,
 "Get me out of here, Boys!"

 And I had to exclaim
 As a slushball I tossed,
 "Happy Christmas to all,
 And to all a Get Lost!"

 But then, as I turned,
 I saw 'neath the tree
 Two gaily wrapped presents--
 One for Floyd, one for me.

 A big bag of jerky
 Turned Floyd mighty chipper,
 While for me was a pair
 Of brand-new bunny slippers.

 I looked out the window,
 And hovering there,
 Old Santa was winking
 From his sleigh in midair...

 "Merry Christmas, Maxine!"
 He cried, full of cheer,
 "Same to you, Pal!"
 I answered, ("I'll get you next year!")

 THE END