Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I'm still enjoying this blog........even though there aren't many who like it's contents......I can still rant and rave.........
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
from the doctor. I have gotten to where the over the counter stuff, is doing less for me. So, I now am requiring a doctor's prescription to ease the pressure. This last year has been the worst that I've had in sometime, and I hope the new year will offer less ragweed, pollen and spores.
Her parents beamed.
"Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the ."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today..."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
Thursday, December 17, 2009
everybody be sleepin' and da sleepin' be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck,
dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our checks.
All of da family, was ly'in on the flow,
my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all
when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it must be da law".
I pulled the sheet off da windoe and what I'ze could see,
I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrent fo' me.
But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat".
dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats.
Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white,
but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un' tonight.
Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came,
and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.
On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who
On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right there in da street,
I knowed it fo' sho', - can you believe that Sh'eet!.
Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked da lock on my doe,
an I sez to myself, "Son o' bitch...he don did dis befoe"!
He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck?
Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.
But he left me no presents, just started stealin my shit.
He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my crap in his bag, out da windoe he flew,
I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.
He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch,
and waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a bitch".
So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git,
'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a shit !!!!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
'Twas the night before Christmas'
And all through the house...
Not a creature was stirring
Since the cat ate the mouse.
My support hose were hung
By the chimney with care.
(I hung them last Christmas
And just left them there.)
My dog, Floyd, was nestled
All snug in his bed,
After watching the cat rip
The presents to shreds.
And I in my long johns
And ratty night cap
Had just settled my butt
For a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter,
I swore at the window,
"What the (blank) is the matter?"
I tore open the window,
Not a second to tarry,
All ready to throw
The noisemaker a berry.
A bright moon was lighting
The new-fallen snow...
And I had a moon of my own
Set to show.
Floyd was beside me,
Paw pointing the way
Toward eight tiny reindeer
Hitched up to a sleigh...
And a little old driver
So cheery and quick,
I thought for a moment
That I would be sick.
Like a bat out of...you know,
His reindeer they came,
And I whistled and shouted
And called them some names--
"Hey, Hornhead! Hey, Furface!
Hey, Weiner and Turkey!
Yo, Klutzy and Mangy
And Venison Jerky!
Stay off of my porch!
Get away from my wall!
Now hit the road, hit the road,
Hit the road, all!
But as pedestrians before
My old Buick , they fly
And head for high ground
With great fear in their eyes,
So up to my rooftop
The fleabags they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys
And old Fruitcake - Breath too.
And then, in a twinkling,
I heard on the roof
Holes in my new shingles
Made by each tiny hoof.
As I reached for my slingshot
And a marble as well,
Down the chimney
St. Nicholas Tumbled and fell.
He had a huge sack of
Cheap junk on his back
And I whispered to Floyd,
"Be prepared to attack."
His eyes they were squinting,
His toy bag was draggin',
And I felt for a moment
Like I'd soon be gaggin'.
He was dressed all in red.
With a bell on his hat.
And a belt of black leather
To hold back the fat.
A billowing pipe
He clenched tight in his smile,
And the smell was like something
Had been dead for awhile.
He had a broad face
And a little round belly
That shook when I nailed him
With a handful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump,
Well, actually porky,
And I laughed when I tripped him
(He looked pretty dorky).
He was like a beached whale
Unable to budge.
And he tasted good , too,
If the dog was a judge.
I spoke not a word
But went straight to my work--
A noogie, a wedgie,
A cry of "You jerk!"
Until laying a finger
Aside of his nose,
With a loud cry of "Uncle!"
Up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to the sleigh
And dragged in the toys,
Then he cried to the reindeer,
"Get me out of here, Boys!"
And I had to exclaim
As a slushball I tossed,
"Happy Christmas to all,
And to all a Get Lost!"
But then, as I turned,
I saw 'neath the tree
Two gaily wrapped presents--
One for Floyd, one for me.
A big bag of jerky
Turned Floyd mighty chipper,
While for me was a pair
Of brand-new bunny slippers.
I looked out the window,
And hovering there,
Old Santa was winking
From his sleigh in midair...
"Merry Christmas, Maxine!"
He cried, full of cheer,
"Same to you, Pal!"
I answered, ("I'll get you next year!")
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one
would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks,
'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Recently, I met this damned nice looking man, and he started up the conversation. I wasn't even expecting to meet someone at the location, I was at. When I finally realized that he was trying to flirt with me, I allowed the situation to play itself out. It moved a lot faster than I was anticipating, and before I know it, he had my phone # and I was on my way. Hell, he wanted to come over later, even. I chickened out, and went home, unplugged my phone, and went to bed. I thought sure, he would call me the next day to gripe me out. Not so!
I went back to the same place, and there he was.............now is when he started the questions......and I came up with a lie, about a "telemarketer" bothering me that day and forgetting that I unplugged the phone. Well, he went for it and before long was right back over there, giving me the same flirting treatment. So, when I was ready to leave, he told me he would call me the next morning, because he didn't know how late he would be working there that night. Paybacks are hell..............ha, ha........he got me! :)
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I can remember these days, when I was in highschool. It was horrible to have this facial problem, and even worse to have it around highschool idiots. They can make life miserable for people with skin like this.....I was one of the one's who went through it.......I know!
Leave me alone........
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs..
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
If you deal in silver bars then you should have a good supply on hand should this type of recession happen. Silver today, is in short supply and very hard to find. You can buy these metals from Monex and have them delivered to your bank or institution according to your specifications.
Down through the years the best way I’ve found to have assets available, was to buy expensive jewelry or invest in coins or ingots. I checked out a site that has been in business for quite awhile now. They deal in precious metals and have a good supply on hand. It’s got a scrolling marquee, with the precious metals and their price’s listed. If you need assistance with your shopping at Monex, just call , there are personal advisors ready to assist you.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Maxine's Perfect Solution to Senior Health CareHere is the solution:While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your , , heart problems, etc. Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 3 bullets You are allowed to shoot one senator and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem! New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I wonder if these poor animals will be cleaned and used for food, during the ceremony?
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on
my desk... sorry...
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not .
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I
try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed
it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.
Monday, November 23, 2009
The $2.99 Special
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!
Send this to the Seniors in your life. I'm sure they'll appreciate it!!
Even non-seniors will appreciate it!!!!!
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tobacco companies say they're just trying to find a legal way to stay afloat after being saddled with an enormous tax increase. But both the Obama administration and some in Congress say they'll try to come up with a distinction between the tobacco types, closing a loophole that could cost taxpayers hundreds of millions of dollars year.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
- When the people fear their government there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty. Thomas Jefferson
- Amendment 28
- Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United
- States that does not apply equally to the Senators or Representatives,
- and Congress shall make no law that applies to the Senators or
- Representatives that does not apply equally to the citizens of the
- United States .
- Let's get this passed around, folks - these people have brought this upon themselves!!!
How the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off while
slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day
For 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the
If your neighbour crashes
into a tree while driving home drunk,
he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are
Brats without manners,
you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a
you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks
into the cockpit and
tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet,
and the passengers
kill him instead,
the mother of the crazed deceased
blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to
understand the world
as it is anymore.
So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you to
Monday, November 16, 2009
Republican" series once a week, and the web page module will
automatically update with the latest video. And we are asking you,
our participants to submit the petition yourself ALSO once a week. We
need to speak out and keep speaking out, until Congress finally gets
the message, to stop fooling around and do what should have been done
in the first place, pass economical and efficient Medicare for All.
We need the help of every one of our participants who has a website
(if not please read on because there is an individual action page as
well). We have created a simple and small sized (182x228 pixels) web
page module, perfect for the side bar of your web page, where people
can watch the latest of the "I'm A Democrat, And I'm A Republican"
If you are on MySpace or Facebook or another site that disallows
We have already shot six of these incredibly professional looking
videos, making the point (with wit and humor) that NEITHER the
Democrats, NOR the Republicans, are actually interested in real
health care reform. are forcing consideration of only
plans that further empower the medical insurance corporations that
are ripping us off now. are only interested in
derelict non-regulation, achieving the same end result by default.
By getting more and more people to watch these videos, we will
mobilize people to submit this fax action page, which sends a
strongly worded but even tempered petition (which you can read on the
page), stating in essence that we the people are demanding real
reform and will not be fooled again. And you can add your own
personal comments as well. WATCH the video also on this page.
Medicare For All FREE Fax Action Page:
Friday, November 13, 2009
Obama Named Country Music Entertainer of the Year
Surprise Selection Shocks Nashville
NASHVILLE (The Borowitz Report) - country music world today by picking up its highest honor, Country Music Entertainer of the Year. stunned the
Mr. Obama was chosen unanimously, according to the Toby Keith. In Nashville, country music insiders were shocked by Mr. Obama's selection, given that he has only been in office for eight months and during that time has yet to record a single country song., beating out such favorite as and
But Mr. Obama was gracious in receiving the honor, saying that he was "honored and humbled" by the award before excusing himself to accept this year's Heisman Trophy.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
They say these links can help with traffic and page ranks............I'm waiting to see......
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
could have been as sharp as this policeman. He
was being cross-examined by a defense attorney
during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to
undermine the police officer's credibility...
'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the
'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person
matching the description of the offender,
running several blocks away.'
'Officer -- who provided this description?'
'The officer who responded to the
'A fellow officer provided the description of
this so-called offender. Do you trust your
'Yes, sir. With my life.'
'With your life? Let me ask you this then
officer. Do you have a room where you change
your clothes in preparation for your daily
'Yes sir, we do!'
'And do you have a locker in the room?'
'Yes sir, I do.'
'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your
fellow officers with your life, you find it
necessary to lock your locker in a room you
share with these same officers?'
'You see, sir -- we share the building with the
court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been
known to walk through that room.'
courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a
prompt recess was called. The officer on the
stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best
Comeback' line -- and we think he'll
A Mexican, an Arab, and a Texas girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Texas , we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
God Bless TEXAS
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ” For Smuggling Diamonds”
7. Finish All Your sentences with “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”
8. Don’t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party
Because You’re Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won!, I Won!”
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
“Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go.”
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity…….